Funny & Humorous Quotations

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wherever you go, go with all your heart. ~Confucius

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. ~Les Brown

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. ~Flavia Weedn, Forever, © Flavia.com

Just about a month from now I’m set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars. ~Richard Halliburton

There is a good reason they call these ceremonies “commencement exercises.” Graduation is not the end; it’s the beginning. ~Orrin Hatch

Don’t live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable. ~Wendy Wasserstein

# One of the signs of passing youth is the birth of a sense of fellowship with other human beings as we take our place among them. - Virginia Woolf

# Youth comes but once in a lifetime. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

# Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it. - Rudyard Kipling

# Keep true to the dream of thy youth. - Friedrich Von Schiller

# It is through the idealism of youth that man catches sight of truth, and in that idealism he possesses a wealth which he must never exchange for anything else. - Albert Schweitezer

# A man over nintey is a great comfort to all his elderly neighbors: he is a picket-guard at the extreme outpost; and the young folks of sixty and seventy feel that the enemy must get by him before he can come near their camp. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
funny birthday rhyme - birthday verse

“A witty saying proves nothing.”
- Voltaire (1694-1778)

“Hunger is the best sauce.”
- Proverb

“Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”
- Chinese Proverb

“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”
- Proverb

“A pint of sweat saves a gallon of blood.”
- George S. Patton (1885-1945), US Army General

“Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”
- Proverb

“99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
- Unknown

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
- Douglas Adams

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
- Jean Giraudoux

Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything

Sex can be like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistant one.

When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

A kisss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

Is somebody not editing what I’m saying here???

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why are you scared

Whoever said money couldn’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 ~cute myspace quote

Mom says too much candy will spoil my dinner. Well, dinner’s spoiled~so where’s dessert?
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Coffee? Tea? Me?
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BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
 ~sweet saying by Cool Pickup

What is a ‘free’ gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
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Don’t let us think our little jobs are hardly ever seen. Remember every blade of grass helps make the meadow green.
I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!
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People who say, ‘Never give up’ can never accept the inevitable.
 ~cute myspace quote

I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
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You are the only reason why I came in here alone.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
 ~sweet saying by Wise Guy

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
– Ralph Bus
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
– M. Berle
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
– Robert Orben
Fashion is what you adopt when you don’t know who you are.
– Quentin Crisp
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown

Forget about the days
when its been cloudy, but
don’t forget your hours in the sun
Forget about mistakes
that you can’t change now, but
don’t forget the lessons
that you’ve learned
Forget about the times
you’ve been defeated, but
don’t forget the victories you’ve won
Forget about misfortunes
you encounter, but
don’t forget the times your luck has turned
Forget about the days
when you’ve been lonely, but
don’t forget the friendly smiles you’ve seen
Forget about the plans
that didn’t seem
to work out right, but…
Don’t forget to Always Have A Dream
Keep Smiling

Have a Wonderful day!!!